Delicate (adjective): Fine or precise in action or execution
A fellow loss mum wrote an article for Baby Loss Awareness Week, it was a “what not to say” to a bereaved mother. I thought it was spot on. But, as is often the case with the wonderful world we live in, she was trolled (by someone who hadn’t experienced baby loss, I hasten to add) with words to the effect of “oh come on! We can’t say anything right these days! We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t!” (though how she could dispute that saying “just try again“ is inappropriate, is beyond me).
Granted, I’m biased. I’ve written my own similar blogs here and here and here, BUT that troll was wrong, because although there are lots of things NOT to say, there are lots of people who DO manage to navigate the minefield of baby loss and grief, there are people who manage to support the bereaved beautifully.
A few personal examples immediately spring to mind:
- A friend was discussing her labour and she said “well you know what it’s like, you’ve been through it too!”
- I told someone that I had a daughter who died last year and straight away she said “last year? but it’s still so soon!”
- A friend’s 5 year old daughter asked completely naturally “is this Summer’s room? Am I staying in Summer’s room?” and later followed up with a “come on, let’s read this in Summer’s room!”
- In March, a friend sent me a card, mentioning Summer and saying Mothers’ Day was for me too
These examples lead me nicely on to one I’ve been meaning to blog about for a couple of weeks. Broken record that I am, I’ve mentioned a few times how difficult I find pregnancy announcements. I never seem to receive just one, they inexplicably come in twos or threes – my closest friends can attest to this, as they’re often on the receiving end of my distraught calls. But recently, I received one from a friend, and it landed delicately.
My friend (after huge swathes of relief, I’m sure!), suggested that I blog about it. This website has always served to inform, but also to educate. So with permission from her, I am going to share some of our experience, in the hope that it may help others, navigating this minefield.
I would like to caveat this with the reminder that everybody is different, that what worked for us, may not work for you. Regardless, these are all points worth considering. Because where there is a will, there is a way. If you care enough about your friend who is struggling with baby loss or fertility, you can try to make your happy pregnancy news easier on them. If however you feel that your friend is raining on your parade, then I’m inclined to think that says more about you, than them. Sorry, not sorry: sad is harder, than happy.
Tip 1: Consider the Medium
She said:
- I have done a couple of drafts of this email, all in the knowledge that it’ll be a much harder one to read
- I wanted to email you rather than Whatsapp, to avoid the “double blue tick”
My thoughts:
- I’ve wondered what the best way would be for someone to tell me that they’re pregnant. And – self-indulgent as it is – in my head, I decided that a letter would be perfect. My theory was this: anyone who went to the effort to write me a tailored note, would make me feel valued (“this person must really care about our relationship, if they’re going to this extra effort”) and guilty (“this person is so kind, they’ve good news to share, yet they’re worrying about me?!”) in equal measure.
- The Whatsapp blue tick, demands a response. So her not knowing when I’ve received the pregnancy announcement, is perfect. It means I can gather my thoughts and respond in my own time.
Tip 2: Acknowledge the Situation
She said:
- I know that every piece of baby news comes as a punch, not only because of sweet Summer and your other little ones, but because of everything that you’re going through right now and your ongoing journey in (not towards) parenthood
My thoughts:
- It’s thoughtful of her to mention my three pregnancies
- It is so kind of her to consider me a parent, alongside herself
Tip 3: Be Honest
She said:
- When we met back in the summer I didn’t know about the pregnancy… it’s important to me that you know I wasn’t hiding anything when we chatted
My thoughts:
- When we met up, we had an open, honest conversation and we both drank wine. I hadn’t felt that she had hidden anything from me, but it’s good that she made clear, that she really had not intentionally obscured anything from me.
Tip 4: Give Time and Space
She said:
- I don’t expect a reply back. I won’t be offended if you just leave it and want some time and space, but equally I don’t want to be one of those people who gives you too much time and space and avoids you.
My thoughts:
- I felt this was really genuine, she really did not expect a reply… which made me want to reply, straight away (and I did).
Tip 5: Shoulder Some Responsibility
She said:
- I don’t want you to feel that I am now just passing all ‘responsibility’ to you for the friendship and for you to have to be the one who chooses whether to make contact, or to have to say you’re either happy or not, when you’re already going through and feeling a whole maelstrom of stuff totally outside of what I’m telling you now.
- I always think it’s up to both sides to maintain a friendship, and that that will involve different responsibilities depending on the burdens each are carrying. You are carrying a lot and I don’t want to add to it – tell me if and how I can carry something for you, if you need me to back off or press in.
My thoughts:
- Again, this removes a lot of the burden on me, to say what I’m “supposed” to say. I can be honest about what I think, feel and need. She’s clearly really thought about how I might feel, she’s really put herself in my shoes and genuinely wants to do what she can here.
Tip 6: Respect the Recipient’s Boundaries
She said:
- I’m aware too that I may have got the approach wrong, in which case I really am sorry.
- So, with your permission, I’ll wait to hear from you and if I don’t, I’ll reach out again in time just to check in, at which point feel free to say it still isn’t a good time. I’ll be waiting when it is! Your friendship means a lot.
My thoughts:
- I loved the mention of the “I’ll reach out again in time, to check in” – so many people just leave the ball entirely in my court. It also tells me what she’s thinking / planning and it allows me to say, if I’d rather she didn’t.
- Wow, she’s a REALLY good friend. Her friendship means a lot to me too.
She’s a good egg, isn’t she? This friend has not experienced baby loss first-hand, but she is a mother who is self-aware and has friends and family who have. So it just goes to show, you don’t need to have gone through it, to know the right thing to say. You just have to care enough to try.
Tip 7: Forward planning
My final tip is a huge ask and perhaps personal to me – but it may be one worth considering.
Personally, I’ve found it easier when close friends have given me a heads up, that they’re trying for a baby. I know this is a hugely personal thing, but for me, I have been much less blindsided when they did eventually announce a pregnancy. It was a good way for me to mentally prepare for what was to come. (Granted, I wouldn’t expect this of everyone, but for close friends, it’s a definite kindness).
In the loss community, we have had a lot of these conversations up-front. We’ve sent messages to each other to say “If I ever get pregnant, how would you like me to tell you?” This element of forward planning means that you can honour your friend’s boundaries and personal requests.
So if you have specifically asked someone what they would like, please honour what they’ve said.
As I’ve said, there is no one formula, that will work for every individual (if you’re from the loss community and agree / disagree / have other tips to add – please do), but I do feel that if you broadly honour the suggestions mentioned (i.e. in spirit, not necessarily the exact execution), then you’ll be off to a good start.
Be kind throughout, be mindful of their gluckschmerz, and perhaps most importantly, good luck.
Tip 1: Consider the Medium
Tip 2: Acknowledge the Situation
Tip 3: Be Honest
Tip 4: Give Time and Space
Tip 5: Shoulder Some Responsibility
Tip 6: Respect the Recipient’s Boundaries
Tip 7: Forward planning
P.S I forgot the obvious: thanks for not sending me your scan photo – I really do not need to see that to understand that you’re having a baby! You can read why I dislike receiving them, here.
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So much love for this. She sounds amazing – We all need a friend like her!